John Scardina is a certified school psychologist, child
development expert, and parent educator. Check out his website www.ThinkLaughLearn.com. In this
interview, he reflects on ways to improve communication with our teenage
children.
Q: When a teenager is struggling in school in
a particular subject, at what point should a parent get involved?
A: Ideally, there should already be an ongoing, open relationship about academics, a
shared concern. If you haven't been talking to your child about schoolwork, the
initial reaction to a setback is often defensiveness from the child. The first step is to reach an agreement that
there is a problem, and to identify
what that problem is.
The next step is to create a plan (Plan A): establish goals and set
definite time limits on reaching them. Daily or weekly grids can be used to
track progress on grades, number of pages read, etc. It is important that both
parents and teen monitor the progress together. If Plan A doesn't work out, then be prepared to move to Plan B.
Involving the teacher may be part of Plan A or may be necessary only after Plan
A fails. Be involved, but also let your teen take ownership of the problem to
the best of her ability. Above all, be optimistic
Q: What should
parents do if they suspect there may be an underlying reason for their child's
difficulties in school such as a learning disorder or anxiety?
A: I strongly
recommend that parents first do some research on their own when it comes to
learning disabilities. There are many good books on the topic, but I especially
like A Mind at a Time, by Mel Levine, M.D., The Misunderstood Child,
by Larry Silver, and The Mislabeled Child, by Eide & Eide.
Next, I recommend having a conversation with your child's teacher to share your
concerns and to get the school's perspective (if the school has not already
initiated contact with you). After that meeting, you can request that the
school do a psycho-educational evaluation. In most states the school has 60
school days (not calendar days) in which to respond to such a request.
There is
an excellent website called www.wrightslaw.com
that helps parents navigate the legal intricacies of special education law. Another great resource is the Education Law Center based in Philadelphia. They
are a non-profit legal advocacy and educational organization whose mission is
to ensure that all Pennsylvania's children have access to quality public
education.
Anxiety can manifest itself in various ways--it can affect
your teen's appetite, sleep, energy, and moods. If you feel that anxiety is
impacting your child's quality of life, there are several paths you can take.
First, have your child visit Mood Gym,
a free interactive web program designed to help teach the user cognitive
behavioral therapy techniques including assessment tools to pinpoint the level
of anxiety and/or depression, relaxation techniques, and the like. I also
suggest consulting your family physician and school guidance counselor or
psychologist. If therapy is recommended, these professionals may be able to
refer you to an appropriate therapist who specializes in working with
adolescents.
Q: Many parents and
teens lock horns during the high school years over schoolwork, grades, and the
college application process. Do you have any advice about how parents can
navigate this important time?
A: The most important
piece here is "Who owns the problem?" If you want to empower your teen to be
responsible, then you must work toward that. It is OK to let your child suffer
natural consequences from not following through on a task because, as we all
know, the stakes get higher as we get older, so it's better to teach this
lesson early on. A recent article by Craig Lambert in Harvard Magazine
refers to the rise of "snowplow parents" who have apparently replaced
"helicopter parents." Snowplow parents are those who "determinedly clear a path
for their child and shove aside any obstacle they perceive in the way." But
when we rush in to help our children in both big and little ways, we are
actually sending them the message that they are not able to handle the
situation themselves.
Parents need to have an ongoing dialogue with their child
and help him keep his eyes on the "prize," whatever that might be--what
college to attend, what career to pursue, or life
goals. Many parents can't separate themselves from their child's goals,
but it is important to step back and respect his individuality and to encourage him to "own the problem." Start early, have respectful dialogue, negotiate
goals, work on goals, and help set guideposts along the way.
Q: Can you share some
specific strategies for improving communication between parents and their
teens?
A. When you must
have a difficult conversation with your teen, I am a big fan of the "sandwich"
technique: begin with praise (the praise must be true, specific, and helpful),
then address the criticism or problem, then finally go to the hope: "Johnny, I
really appreciate how hard you have been working to raise your grade in Spanish
by doing extra credit projects. Nonetheless, avoiding the extra help sessions
and any direct conversations with Señora Rodriguez because you don't like her
as a teacher is not a good way to improve your grade. I believe you can talk to
her directly in a respectful way, and I hope you'll try that soon."
It is also important to remember to fight fair and to focus
on the problem, thereby depersonalizing the issue. When problems escalate, some
families bring in a third party to maintain a level of decorum, whether that is
a family therapist, someone from the family's faith community, or a school
guidance counselor or psychologist. Always keep the door open,
though. Don't ever give up on your child. If you have an argument or
uncomfortable conversation with your teen one evening, take her to breakfast
the next day and talk about other things. As trying as it may be, keep reaching
out and showing up.
