Standardized Test Sample Essays with Comments & Grades

Student #1

As the world's technological advances save more lives and raise the quality of living globally, the world is still rapidly declining in other areas. Today environmental problems, political conflict, and the decay of society plight the world. Since World War II pollution levels have skyrocketed and the environment has been disregarded, a move which has led to global warming and the extinction of many species. Political conflicts have led to strained international relations and the innocent deaths of thousands of civilians while the problems seldomly are resolved. Society, primarily the youth, face more problems than ever. Depression and drug use are on the rise while body image and family values are declining. all three of these factors change the world, but definitely not for the better.

Environmental issues did not begins, but were fueled by the roaring industrial revolution in the early 1900's. Pollution from new factories filled the air and streams in cities while farmers multiplied the size of their farms in the countryside vie the acquisition of virgin tracts of land. Expansion confined animals to small areas that could not support them, causing the extinction of some species. Many of these problems have ben identified and resolved in the United States, however in third world and underdeveloped countries these environmental issues are still prevalent. The most prevalent of these problems is the shrinking of the South American rainforest, a major contributor to global warming. The possible effects of global warming include melting of the ice caps, which would cause catastrophic flooding. These environmental struggles to not benefit the world.

Political conflict is another source of negative developments in the world. Conflicts over land and power have resulted in strained international relations, most notably in the Middle East and AFrica. the central governments of these areas are not strong enough to squash the rebellions and end the violence. Foreign intervention just stirs up both sides of the issue rather than resolve them because many politicians have motives other than peace. Today, politicians appeal to the passions of the populations that vote for them, and do not focus on real issues. It is therefore impossible for the public to be overly surprised with what politicians do internationally because they never asked about his policy in the first place. Political corruption has led to a decay in society.

The youth of society in particular have been affected by modern day problems. Girls feel pressure to look like airbrushed images on billboards while boys are encouraged to disrespect women in songs and on TV. Drug use and depression have both skyrocketed in recent years in response to social pressures. The media's overwhelming influence distorts the youth's idea of what society is really like. The next generation will be further influences by the current youth and the pattern may either break or repeat. As of right now, all levels of society are being negatively impacted.

Unless the environment, politics, and society are directly targeting in an effort to make changes for the better, society will continue in the deteriorating pattern it is in currently. If world changes continue in this manner, the world will continue to change for the worse and not for the better.

Comments & Final Grade

This is a well-organized essay. Your examples support your position, but they could be more specific (e.g. cite a particular political conflict -Darfur, Somalia etc.). To receive a higher score, you will also have to watch your grammar. Review the concepts of dangling modifiers, misplaced modifiers, and vague antecedents. Then re-read your essay and reword the appropriate sections (e.g. the phrase "a major contributor to global warming" in line 11 is misplaced - it is not the rainforest that causes global warming, but the fact that the forest is shrinking). Also try to be more precise in your choice of words - review the exact meaning of words such as "plight", "move", "prevalent" etc. in a dictionary. Are there any other words that could express your intended meaning more accurately? Avoid redundancies and wordiness (as of right now = currently, the youth of society - the youth, etc.). Also watch your use of the passive voice since it can make a sentence unnecessarily complex.

This essay received a 5 from one grader, a 4 from the other for a total score of 9.

Student #2

The world is changing for the better. The world has changed drastically over the last few decades and has led us to a brighter future. This can be seen in technology, politics, and personal betterment.

Technology has come a long way in the last ten years alone, the advancements are astounding. Almost every month there is a new iPod, a faster computer, and a fancier cell phone. The world has gone wireless and it has never been easier to stay connected. Electronic books are now beginning to emerge just adding to the list of great achievements in technology. All of this contributes to the betterment of the world, keeping people connected and updated on what is going on around them.

After six years of occupying land in the Middle East, the United States government is finally making plans to withdraw troops from Iraq. No one can say that their time there was wasted but the time has come to let the Iraqi people live their lives without US occupation. Over the course of the last six years, the US has contributed greatly to the advancement of the system of government in the Middle East. The Taliban controlled the people in a harsh dictatorship and now there is a raw form of democracy.

Personal betterment is yet another way in which the world is changing for the better. For example, Francie Nolan in "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" is a young girld destined to grow up and live in poverty all her life. However, Francie takes it upon herself to visit the public library often and read books nondiscriminately. Through the advancement of her mind, Francie does well in school and even gets and job later in life.

The world is constantly changing. Whether it be advancements in technology, policitcs, or self, these changes occur everyday. No one can predict the future, but when contemplated we can see it is bright ahead.

Comments & Final Grade

The essay is organized with a clear statement of position. The first example could be a strong one but you need to show how staying connected is bettering the world. What is better about electronic books? Give more examples of how advancements better our lives. (Note two different views) 1.You go into more sufficient depth in your "Iraq" paragraph, though perhaps you should call it something other than "politics" in your introduction. 2. The info presented on the Iraqi war is shaky. A focus on the change in the form of government would make it stronger without getting into US politics. The wording the sentence "Over the last. in the Middle East." in this is confusing - what system of government? Your "betterment" example should be made to fit a bit better. Francie Nolan does not really fit the topic unless you can relate her to today, i.e., like Francie Nolan, today people can improve themselves - grants allowing people to attend college. There are some awkward phrasings in the essay. There should be a semicolon rather than a comma in the first sentence of the second paragraph, as both are independent clauses. I believe the word you want in the "betterment" paragraph is "indiscriminately." "Every day" is two words, unless you use it as an adjective: "Brushing my teeth is an everyday event."

This essay received a 4 from one grader, a 3 from the other for a total score of 7.

Student #1

Males and females should not be seperated into different math and science classes. Seperating males and females because of a percieved difference in ability in math and science classes will make women feel inferior and will contribute to the stereotyope. Also, interaction between males and females can help students learn the subject matter and learn important life skills. Although women have been labeled as less inclined to excel in math and science, this has not been proven, and it is just a common steryotype. Some worry that males and females may be distracted when they are together, but if males and females are put together in other classes, why should math and science classes be any different?

Placing females and males in seperate classes would make women feel inferior. If women knew that they were not seen as fit to be in the same classes as males, then they might actually believe that they are not smart in math and science. If females believe this, then they will be less motivated and their performance in these subjects will decline. This could also discourage females from entering feilds of study that involve math and science. With the many problems in our world today, including global warming and limited enery sources, we need as many scientists and engineers as possible, women included. Some believe that women and men have such different levels of intelligence in math and science that they are not fit to be in the same classes. I know from personal experience that the difference between male and female students is barely noticeable. There are plenty of female students in the honors math and science courses that I take, and many female students excel just as much, if not more, than male students.

Seperating math and science classes by gender would reduce the amount of interaction between males and females. This is detrimental academically and socially. Interaction between students is integral to the learning process. Students are able to ask each other questions and work together to better understand what is being taught. Teachers are often not able to explain certain concepts as well as other students. If males and females were sperarated, they would not be able to help each other learn. If males are really brighter in math and science, then wouldn't it be good for males to help struggeling female students? Also, female and male interaction is important in school, because in the working world, males and females need to be able to work together in order to successfully contribute to society. Some argue that males and females are more easily distracted when they are together. However, males and females can successfully learn in other classes, like enlish and history, without becoming too dsitracted. Science and math classes are no different.

Our society has come along way since the days that women had no voting rights because they were thought to be too unintelligent. However,seperating women and men into different math and science classes would be a step backward for society. Women have shown that they are just as intelligent as men, even though the stereotype that men are brighter in math and science does still exist. Seperate math and science classes would make women feel that they are of inferior intelligence and would lower their performances in those subjects. Also the seperation would limit the amount of interaction and collaboration between males and females, leaving both sexes unprepared for the real world.

Comments & Final Grade

This is a beautiful essay. It is well organized, its thesis is clear, and its argument is supported by three logical reasons. A specific example that illustrates the argument that females will under-perform in science if they believe to be ill-suited for this field would be nice. In the context of the time and space restrictions of the ACT, the length of the essay is somewhat of concern. The conclusion provides a lot of repetitive information that could be deleted without altering the essay's content. The argument that males and females need each other to learn academically is weak (are women who attended all-girls schools less successful?) and it plays partially on the opposing point of view that the scientifically challenged females need the help of their male peers to master the material in question. To cite English instruction as an example of males and females successfully learning in a coed environment is not a very smart choice since females frequently outperform males in English. One of your arguments is that students are gender-integrated in other classes, and so "why should math and science be any different?" but the prompt mentions the prospect of separating (note the spelling, by the way) students in classes SUCH AS math and science; in other words, other courses would be considered fair game for such a switch. Other than that, you are thorough in your addressing of opposing arguments, which is good. (How about the flipside to math and science, though? How do you feel about boys excelling in English, history, and foreign languages?) In addition of "separated," other proper spellings include "fields," "energy," "struggling," "English" (capital "E"), and "distracted." (I do realize that many of these are probably not real spelling errors but rather typographical ones, which, of course, you won't have to worry about while writing your essay out by hand.)

This essay received a 5 from one grader, a 4 from the other for a total score of 9.

Student #2

Taking classes with the opposite sex can be very difficult and unnerving for students during their teenage years. It is more important for one to focus on math class rather than worring about whether they look good. Single sex environments are the best way to focus and do well in school, however, it might not be the best move for the long run.

Single sex schools are beneficial for those who are not mature or controlled enough to have classes with the opposite sex. These students are able to focus more on their studies with less distractions. Also, by taking classes with all boys or all girls, there is less competition between the sexes to prove which sex is the smarter. Instead, there is friendly competition. However, boys and girls still need interaction of some sort with the opposite sex. Without this interaction the real world will be a complete shock. This is because instead of only competeing with others of the same sex who think in the same fashion as oneself, there are co-workers of the opposite sex who think rather differently. In order to make this impact less noticeable as an adult continuing some interaction between teenagers while as school is a neccessity.

Thus, single sex classes are successful to a certain extent. It is a sufficient way of limitating distractions caused by the opposite sex, however, boys and girls should not be completely seperated. By having more complex and competitive classes seperated, students might do better in classes.

Comments & Final Grade

Despite its flaws, we liked this essay overall, because it takes a stance (girls and boys should be separated in complex classes), but qualifies it by saying the sexes should still interact to prepare teens for the "real world." However, where you may have gone astray was that you interpreted the prompt to mean that there should be separate schools for girls and boys, but the prompt just asks if educators should create separate classes (within the same school). So the comments about single-sex schools seem "off" and we're not sure about the idea that those who attend such schools are "not mature or controlled enough to have classes with the opposite sex," nor do we think the only female concern is whether "they look good." They may fear appearing too dumb or too smart, for example. And do you really think all females think alike and that there is only "friendly competition" among them? You have strong ideas, but in these tests they generally want you to come down on one side or the other. While we think you have done that "not the best move in the long run," the reader might see you making too many points in defense of the other view. Don't eliminate them entirely -- they like to see you address the other view -- but use a few more sentences to defend your main idea. We'd make it a semicolon right before "however" in the first paragraph and replace "less" with "fewer" in the second sentence of the second paragraph. You drop one "e" for "competing" and you use an "a" for "separated." "For the long run" should be "in the long run."

This essay received a 3 from one grader, a 4 from the other for a total score of 7.