Directions for Dealing with Perfectionism

Listening in the adjacent room, Angel’s father heard her practicing a presentation for her Honors English class. It seemed to be going well, but then Angel stumbled over a word. Instead of repeating the word correctly, Angel sighed loudly and restarted her presentation. As usual for Angel—a straight A student—everything had to be flawless. Not even a 98% would satisfy her; she’d dwell on the mistakes she made in the past and could make in the future. Her tired eyes, neglected meals, and jagged nails were just the visible signs of the price of Angel’s perfectionism. Gabe, Angel’s dad, knew how she felt, except he had chosen avoidance over persistence at her age, taking easier classes or not handing in work at all. Whether it’s Angel’s fight or Gabe’s flight when having to perform or be assessed, perfectionism is an unhealthy response to anxiety that can be reduced and managed with better knowledge and better strategies.  

The Prism of Perfectionism: The Good, the Bad, and the ADHD Connection

If you often expect others, but especially yourself, to be flawless, then you are likely a perfectionist. Perfectionism can manifest differently in different people or in different situations. 

On the one hand, it can produce positive effects, such as an increased drive to take on challenges and persevere until they’re done. It can also make you a better planner, because you anticipate and solve problems before they occur. On the other hand, perfectionism can become toxic. You can become discouraged in ways that make you depressed, defensive, and unable to start or finish tasks. 

When and how much perfectionism affects you—positively or negatively—can depend on the situation. For example, you can be a driven athlete who thrives on competition and can be a gracious loser both to rivals and yourself, yet also procrastinate studying for a math test you worry you will fail despite A’s in math for years and several 100% scores on quizzes.

One factor that is increasingly recognized as contributing to perfectionism is ADD/ADHD. Those with these conditions likely made errors or received criticism due to issues stemming from their ADHD (before or after diagnosis) and, as a result, they developed a negative self-concept and performance anxiety that now motivates them to seek the safety of perfection. The executive dysfunction inherent in ADHD also makes them prone to misjudge tasks as too overwhelming or impossible so that they procrastinate rather than face the challenge or, ultimately, potential failure. Underlying both motivations is a lack of confidence.

Perfectionism Problem Solving

If any of the above sounds familiar, then you’re probably wondering what you can do to manage your perfectionist tendencies. It usually takes a two-prong approach that addresses both the way you think about yourself (self-concept, self-talk) and the way you think about tasks (executive function skills). 

• Challenge negative perceptions. Sometimes it’s helpful to take a step back and shift your perspective. Instead of letting your negative self-talk go unchecked, imagine that it is a separate voice or character that you can converse with. For example, if you heard a friend expressing negative thoughts about himself, what would you say to him? If the critical voice in your head berates you for a minor error, challenge it by considering that it’s human to make mistakes. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure or you’re doomed; you will learn from your mistake and can try again. Also, instead of focusing on possible flaws and problems with all-or-nothing thinking (e.g. I always screw this up, or I’ll never be good enough) you can focus on what you do right and what can go right. To get better at being kind to yourself, write down your common negative thoughts in the left column and the positive response in the right column. Refer to the list when you sense yourself spiraling until it becomes second nature. For more tips, check out Dr. Kristin Neff’s self-compassion exercises.
• Craft ways to respond to compliments and criticisms. It’s not just your own voice or thoughts that you have to contend with when you’re a perfectionist. It’s also the thoughts and feelings of others. When you receive a compliment, don’t dismiss it or let it become a new height you have to always reach. When you receive a criticism, take time and take care with how you react—consider how accurate the criticism is (you can get a second opinion from a trusted friend or family member) and how you can learn from it. Also, reflect on the weight you place on compliments versus criticisms. They both are a form of feedback, but if you treat critical feedback as having more truth or weight than positive feedback, then you’re not being fair to yourself.
• Set reasonable expectations. It’s difficult and discouraging to try to hit a target that is too far away, which is why it’s helpful to examine the expectations and goals you have for yourself so you can readjust them to be more realistic. Taking as many AP classes as possible, including AP History subjects, when you want to become a marine biologist and always struggled with social studies, might be a mistake, for example. 
• Develop better executive function skills. If you can manage your tasks, time, and space better, you’re more likely to avoid procrastination and other pitfalls of perfectionism. Check out our recent article with organization tips! Emotional management is also key. In addition to the positive self-talk discussed earlier, come up with some coping mechanisms for when you’re feeling anxious: speak with a confidante, spend time with a beloved pet, take calming breaths, go for a walk, or vent in a journal.

How A+ Can Help

We all want to succeed, and we all have likely experienced some form of perfectionism at some point in our lives. However, while it is natural to want to excel or to worry about making errors at times, it’s not healthy if it causes you significant stress and sabotages your efforts. In other words, you can’t handle perfectionism perfectly. You can’t make it go away entirely. What you can do, though, is overcome the worry and develop a more resilient response. Graded work, peer pressure, and parental expectations all make students especially vulnerable to perfectionism. If you need help recognizing and building on your strengths or overcoming your weaknesses so you can succeed at school, then A+ Test Prep and Tutoring has what you need. We offer Executive Function Coaching and Subject Tutoring that can help you manage your stress and make the grade.

At A+ Test Prep and Tutoring, our practices are based on the latest developments in educational theory and research. We have an excellent team of tutors who can help you with standardized testing, executive functioning, or achievement in any other school subject. If you want to find out more about our services, contact us here.